Husbands can do better

One of the interesting characters I met recently was a young woman who told me that her family had just relocated from Abuja to Lagos.

According to her, the area of Abuja where they lived is on the outskirts and insecurity was becoming a nightmare there.

So, her husband’s elder brother, who had a vacant property in Lagos, offered them free accommodation. And the offer came with a shop, where she sells beverages and more.

Her chatty nature made her a delightful company. And this is what I was able to make out of her marital experiences so far.
She got married at the age of 17. At a point in that marriage, she began to feel miserable due to her husband’s uncaring attitude.

She said that she felt so unseen and unloved in that marriage that she cried most days until she met an older lady, who was her neighbour.

It was the woman who taught her that a woman does not thrive in marriage by hoping the husband to hand her happiness on a platter but by finding ways to generate her own happiness.
And the woman went a step further by taking her to parties.

This lady told me that as soon as she began to socialise more, she grew in confidence and street wisdom because she learned a lot from her socialisation. And all of a sudden, something in the husband seems to have switched adoringly towards her.

What I can’t tell is if that turn-around from the husband will make much difference in their marriage now. Because, when a married woman declares that “Lagos men are very generous’’ it means the marriage is in trouble!

There comes a time in marriage when the attitude of the man starts to make a woman feel taken for granted, resentful, undesirable, worthless and even full of regrets.

The average man does not know how to be intentional in marriage. He does not know how to consciously hold his spouse’s hand in a journey that is expected to last a lifetime.

 He is yet to realise how the simple things matter most to a woman. And that is why he is the last to know when a woman has checked out of the marriage emotionally. And becomes very shocked when she openly throws in the towel.

A married woman is more likely to embrace infidelity due to unhappiness and disaffection in her marriage than economic struggles or even sexual inadequacies of her man.
Women can really be long-suffering in marriage and that is why there is often no turning back the moment she begins to generate her own happiness from outside.

A husband should not always let things get to the point that he has zero impact on the happiness of his spouse. That woman is not going to miss anything if you are nowhere to be found tomorrow. And it is going to get worse for you as the years go by.

 Imagine living as strangers at a point when the two of you should be getting closer…having weathered so many storms of life together.

Find your way back to what your presence is meant to signify in a marriage: a sanctuary, a safe haven from life’s worries.

My parents kept an open door. What that means is that people can stop by to spend time with them, often basking in the evening breeze, having conversations and the men played the native game called “ncho” with Papa.

Meals are shared and everyone leaves when they feel like…often in the night.

 My parents would also call it a day after the last guest had left but instead of going straight to bed, they stayed in the sitting room to talk about whatever came to their minds.
Sometimes, it’s even what’s showing on the TV that they are talking about; other times, we (their children) are the topic.

 The joy of marriage is in the little things and intentionality!

A lot of men don’t know how to hold a conversation; there’s always the next thing to do and when you think you have their attention, they are looking at their mobile phone and nodding absent-mindedly.

It’s the reason wives are now paying to talk to strangers on social media…just to have someone listen to them.

Nothing feels as empty as having so much to share with a loved one, only to be unable to open your heart because they are too distracted to give you their full attention.

The only time the average man is able to focus on the moment with a woman is when sex is involved but what they don’t realise is that it makes you dispensable if there’s no substance associated with your presence in her life.